Relationships can seem so complicated and feel like a lot of work. Your confidence level in relationships definitely impacts the quality of your relationships. An area that I see many people not confident in relationships is sharing what they feel– especially when upset or hurt.
A pattern of withholding information leads to a breakdown in communication and a perpetual in misinterpretation others.
I will give you an example of how this plays out: I was working with Sheila and she was sharing with me that her husband and her were having an argument over the phone while he was calling her from his business trip. She was upset because she did not want to spend the little time they had to speak arguing.
We dissected the interaction they had during the call. What Sheila uncovered was she had been upset about something before she started the conversation with her husband but had not communicated it with him. It had been bothering her for a few days but she did not feel comfortable bringing it up because she thought it would lead to more arguments.
While they were speaking on the phone her upset and resentment was in the background clouding the conversation. The space was not clear; this often leads to breakdowns in communication in relationships. Sheila was misinterpreting her husband because in the background she was angry about something else and her defenses were up. As a result she would blurt out resentful comments that had nothing to do with what her husband was speaking about. Her comments had to do with her unresolved upset.
Sheila was interpreting her husband’s behaviors as insulting or offensive. To her husband her reactions seemed like they were coming out of left field thus creating disharmony in their relationship. After analyzing their interaction Sheila decided to take responsibility for not communicating her upsets with her husband. She saw how it was causing breakdowns in their communication.
During their conversation she refrained from using accusatory statements like “you made me feel” “when you did this I got angry”. Instead she said “when this happened I interpreted to mean this, is that what you meant?” Also “I know this is not what you meant to do or cause but when this happened I felt”.
People often get offend by others although what the other says or does is not meant to be offensive. What you can be responsible is for how you communicate your upsets. In the example above Sheila checked in with her husband to see what he meant before she assumed he was trying to offend or hurt her. This creates a safe space for them to open and share instead of creating a hostile space where swords are raised.
If you are upset about something that occurred with another person speak about it with them.
Do not hold back because you are afraid someone will get angry or not like you for sharing your upset. In fact people get closer this way and intimacy builds through being able to be honest with each other. You can say anything you want to people as long as you are responsible for your communication. That means you are not trying to make them “wrong” or make them agree with you.
Conversations like this will help you realize that most people are not out to hurt or offend you. I remember when I started checking in with people in my life I realized how defensive I was. More often than not no one was trying to hurt or offend me. Although I always expected and assumed they meant to offend me.
I’m sure there has been a time in your own life when someone was angry with you about something you said or did. They thought you meant something which was completely different than what you did mean. How did you feel when they confronted you and were assuming or accusing you? You probably got angry and defensive.
The easiest way to avoid these breakdowns in relationships is to check in with the other person.
If you are upset or offended ask them what they meant before you make an assumption. Also be aware of how often you look to be offended. When you look to be offended you are not “being” with people. Rather you are in your mind analyzing what they said or did looking for a situation to be offended therefore missing connection and intimacy.
This topic is very important because this is where a lot of personal suffering stems from. Everyone wants and needs to feel connected with people. Nevertheless, our relationships are fraught with anger, resentment, and hostility which blocks connection and satisfaction.
Oh and just to let you know Sheila said her check in conversation with her husband went well. They did not get into an argument which is what would usually happen in the past when things were brought up. Her husband was not on the defensive because Sheila was speaking responsibly and he felt safe.
Your assignment for this week:
- Where have you been withholding an upset? Look in your romantic, family, friends, and work relationships.
- What are you get upset about?
- How has it been impacting your relationship with that person?
- Are you 100% sure you know what they meant?
- Have a check in conversation with them. Be sure to use responsible communication (no make wrong or judging). Let them share what they meant before you react.
Wishing you relationships filled with confidence, peace, and fulfillment!
Melisa
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