The Perfect Dysfunction

In a long term relationship it is not unusual to find that the person we are with complements us perfectly in our dysfunctional needs. It is not obvious at first and for some it may never become obvious but if you choose to look at the relationship from this aspect it can prove quite interesting and greatly improve the partnership.

I refer to this as the “dance” that couples do. At first, there is a perfect synergy to how our mutual needs meet and blend, much like a hand in glove fit. Eventually, though, it will create dysfunction and imbalance. Take the easiest example of an introvert and an extrovert. At first, it’s great that the introvert doesn’t have to talk because the extrovert does it for him. However, add a few years, some stress and a crisis or two and all of a sudden our natural tendencies get exacerbated. Now, it seems that the extrovert never shuts up and the introvert never talks. When that happens, the perfect dysfunction is thrown out of balance. At this point, the “dance” needs to be addressed or it will lead to difficulties in the relationship.

Other very obvious dances are a very logical, practical person with a more emotional partner, an aggressive person with a passive partner, and an open, trusting person with a closed more private partner. And there are myriad variations of these and other types of dances.
In order to come back into balance it is important to understand that the other person is showing you something that is missing in you. The introvert has to learn to speak up and the extrovert can learn to be more quiet. The logical person needs to feel and express feelings better and the emotional person will benefit from a little more logic. The passive person has to step into power while the aggressive person needs to modify from being aggressive to being assertive. And the person who is too open and trusting may need boundaries while the more private person may need to open to life more fully. These movements will bring the individual as well as the relationship into more balance.

It is enlightening to look at your relationship from this perspective. Once you have determined the “dance”, take responsibility for your fifty percent. Own your part, explore where it originated, how it manifests, how it “dances” with the other and share it with your partner so you can learn new steps together!