Love and Learn

It is so easy to consider all the acts of service, the “good” things we do for another, and the gifts we give as love. They are certainly an aspect of what we consider love. To know if it is really love, however, we have to examine if there is any need of ours being filled. In other words, am I doing or giving because it makes me feel needed, wanted, valuable, desirable? Am I doing or giving so I won’t be left, abandoned, rejected, betrayed? Am I doing or giving so that I won’t feel less than, not enough, more than, equal to?

These are hard to answer questions because they make you question your love and look at yourself in a different light. It is very important, however, because if there is even an unconscious “agenda” in your doing and giving, the other person will feel it. Eventually, the other person will react to that agenda and it will seem like s/he is ungrateful and unappreciative.

The rest is easy to imagine. The doer/giver is outraged “after all I’ve done” and the bad guy is the partner who “doesn’t appreciate anything”. We are complex human beings and for each partner there is a childhood pattern being replayed in this dynamic. For example, the doer/giver might not have been acknowledged as a child and needs to do and give in order to feel worthy while the receiver might have only gotten gifts instead of real nurturance and continues to perceive the gifts as love even though it might not feel fulfilling.

If this is at all familiar, don’t judge yourself or your partner. Instead use the opportunity to explore what need might be playing itself out. Each of us brings our own unique needs to our relationships. Discover yours!

Marina