Hooks

Captain Hook and Smee by Ky Olsen

I find that in a relationship even the most conscious among us have to be aware of the hooks we put into our partners. Ultimately, these hooks are a way to stay hooked, to hold onto the other, to not be abandoned. They can be very obvious or very subtle. They keep us connected to each other but not in the healthiest ways and they often keep us stuck in destructive patterns that seem to have no resolution.

So, what exactly are hooks?

Hooks are words and behaviors that have a hidden agenda: needs and fears which motivate us to do whatever we have to do in order to feel safe. Unconsciously, we say, “I feel safe when the other is exactly where I need him/her to be in order for me to feel safe.”

These hooks can be obvious as, “I’ll control you so you’ll be too afraid/helpless to leave me”. Less obvious are subtle manipulations that feed into the needs or fears of the other, for example, if someone needs to be a hero or a caretaker we can hook them by “needing” them.

We can also use hooks in less intimate relationships. The bottom line here is that a hook is a way of behaving with another person for the purpose of having a personal need met through his or her reaction to me.

We’ve all experienced feeling uncomfortable around someone yet we can’t quite put our finger on why. Often, the answer is that we are feeling what is not being spoken. We are feeling the energy of the agenda.

Once we are conscious of hooks and how we use them, it can become quite uncomfortable. That’s good news because it can spur us to be more real and more truthful in our relationships and that will benefit everyone. Watch for when you are saying or doing something with the hope that it will create a given response in the other instead of coming out and clearly stating what you are wanting or feeling. That’s a hook!

You can also start paying attention to the hooks that get put into you. When something that someone says or does just doesn’t feel right, address it. Say you are feeling uncomfortable and could they be a little clearer with exactly what it is they want and/or are trying to say.

This whole issue of hooks is part of being human and being in personality. Seeing it and addressing it is part of our growth and evolution.

Practice unhooking and watch your relationships open up.

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