Image by Payton Chung
Fear of abandonment and loss is a common theme in relationships and how we deal with it can spawn a lot of problems. Although fear of losing one’s partner is present and powerful in most relationships, it often goes unacknowledged if not altogether unseen.
This fear is usually not addressed because it is a very vulnerable admission. It feels easier and safer to keep arguing, blaming and staying angry. It is much harder to admit to yourself and to your partner that you are really scared of losing him/her because it feels like you’re baring your soul to the core, and you are. Yet, this vulnerability is where the healing begins. I have witnessed men and women melt when they’ve heard the partner say, “I’m afraid to lose you.”
Based on our young experiences, some of us have this fear more than others. It is important to know how big a factor this is in your life because it can show up in very insidious and subtle ways.
Some examples of how fear of abandonment can show up are:
as control: “If I control you, you won’t leave me”
as caretaking: “If I take care of you, you won’t abandon me”(because you’ll need me)
as need: “I need you so much, I can’t live without you”
as jealousy: “How could you….” (serves as control)
as co-dependency: “I’m okay if you’re okay” (I’ll be/do whatever you want so you don’t leave me).
A lot of psychic energy is expended in controlling and manipulating the self, the other and the situation in an attempt to feel safe and to not lose the other. It is exhausting and leads to discontent, discord and disconnection.
For some the fear may be physical (“How am I going to make it?”), emotional (“I won’t survive the hurt of being abandoned/rejected.”), spiritual (“I’m afraid to be alone.”) or any combination of the three.
If this topic resonates with you, I encourage you to go into yourself, find out what is true for you based on all of the above and sit with it. Being aware of how this fear plays out in your everyday life is the first step in healing it. It is a way of taking charge and moving into self-responsibility. Set the intention to observe this fear in your behavior, your words, and your thoughts. Notice it, do not judge it. And when you’re ready, share all of this with your partner. You’ll be amazed at how light and free you’ll feel and how lovingly your partner will respond. To share so intimately is what love and connection is about. Go for it!
Marina
9 Responses
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I don’t know if i have a fear of abandonment or try to abandon a person so that I am not the one that’s left. It’s been different for me in the last few relationships. Sometimes things don’t work and it makes sense to part ways.
I guess it’s easier when you don’t have the conventional obligations, marraige, kids, etc. I feel two people have to meet halfway and be willing to work on their stuff. The most important thing I’m taking from this article is that it’s important to be honest and vulnerable.
More and more I’m thinking that conventional social relationships, marraige, monogamy, etc. don’t make sense for me. Maybe all these notions are outdated, and when it’s time to go….it’s time to go. In my mind, following that path is courageous.
Marine,
I think you hit on a very big topic here. A lot of us put up the strong, independent, I can handle anything approach to life.. and what it leaves us with is an almost ‘non-human’ persona. I prefer to see, understand, and accept another person’s vulnerabilities. when they don’t let that show, the connection is not as rich. And, of course, that let’s me feel more free to reveal my own vulnerabilities. The biggest step for me sometimes, is pushing myself to be the 1st to show side of myself, and not wait for someone else to do it first.
Thanks for another great posting!
Marina,
One more thing,.. I liked your list of examples of fear of abandonment. Could another one be, that we are so afraid of being abandoned, that we become a ‘rock?’
Hi Mary Ann,
If by a “rock” you mean someone so solid that feelings don’t go in and out, yes, it could be a protection….if I don’t feel and don’t love with all of me, I can’t get hurt if someone leaves. Thanks for the question!
Hi Marc,
From my own personal and professional experience I can tell you that being vulnerable is totally the way to go. As scary as it is,it’s freeing and exciting when you’ve been vulnerable and liberating to the other. It allows the other to be vulnerable in return. It’s a win win!!
this is so me right now. With a major move and family change due my my husbands job I am vulnerable and I find myself putting up a wall to a lot of people. For some reason I am private when it comes to this, most likely for fear of rejection which dates back to my childhood. I tend to keep it all to myself because one I am never really free to anyone and two habits are hard to break and although I am aware of them the doing part is harder. I think in the end forgiveness helps heal most.Does anyone have an article or good advice for us on forgiveness..it’s so key.esp for me
Beth…a good friend of mine said to me a few years ago “let go or be dragged”. He was talking about a rough personal relationship that he was in…and said that he was going through it anyway… so why resist it and suffer?
The life circumstance that you and your family are working through now is out of your control. I think the first step is to accept this and realize life is not going to look how you think it will.
I know you probably have great concerns for your kids and family. How might it affect them? I don’t know the specifics, but I can tell that I moved to 5 different countries before the age of 10 and I turned out OK.
As far as forgiveness…I’m not sure what you’re looking for. To forgive yourself? Your husband? His employer? I think that it’s normal for you to resist what’s going on and to “put up a wall” between you and others. Change is never easy…especially big change. Give yourself and your husband some space to feel and express what’s going on for each of you. Don’t judge yourself or others…. and have faith that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to. It’s not always easy to practice faith, but I find that it’s usually the most critical time to do so. Everything is going to be OK and you are probably handling this situation a lot better than you are giving yourself credit for. Breathe. You’re doing a great job.
Hope this helps.
Marc
Forgiveness for me has always been about forgiving the person or situation for my highest good. When i was very young my father cheated on my mother and even now i still see her resentment and anger toward hime and the lack of intimacy and love in their relationship. What that experience has taught me that not forgiving someone else really only tortures the person holding the grudge. So although I am no pro at forgiveness I try to see work on it b/c as you pointed out it heals us. If I am stopped by a lack of forgivenes i first get in touch with what not forgiving is costing me i nmy life: happiness, freedom, love etc. Then I think what would be different if I was not harboring resentful feelings.
I also think not forgiving also keeps people safe. I know for me it has been easier to stay mad than take the chance again and maybe getting hurt. But again I try to think about what i wrote above and remind myself life is supposed to be exciting and scary at times. I moved to another country 7 months ago and I was terrified and feeling very insecure but I knew that big changes always confront me and kick up my insecurities.
I think you are exactly where you are supposed to be and this situation is a great opportunity for you to grow and learn.
I hope this helps!!
melisa
Beth,
Forgiveness is letting go. It is the letting go of anger and bitterness and has much less to do with the other person and all to do with what you choose to hold in your body. The trap is that we feel/think that forgiveness is saying “It’s okay what you did” or it’s a way of letting the other person “get away with it”. But, the truth is, forgiving is a choice to remove the toxins of hate/anger/bitterness/resentment from the body.
Anger and resentment are active emotions…they are strong and can have a hold on us that makes us feel like we are “doing” something, that we have some “control” over something, that our “will” can somehow change something. That all creates an enormous tension in the body.
Forgiveness is a choice to be physically free. In letting go of the feelings of hate/anger/resentment you are letting go of the toxins and tension in the body.
Forgiveness is a choice to be emotionally free. As long as we don’t forgive we are still energetically giving power to the other, even if the person is out of our physical life.
Forgiveness is a choice to grow and learn lessons like compassion for yourself and another, submitting your will to Divine will, taking responsibility for yourself, turning negatives (not forgiving) into positives (more energy to play and love).
Lastly, don’t be hard on yourself. It is a process like everything else. Thinking about forgiveness in a new way will pave the road for you. Good luck!