Do you suck the life force out of your friendships?

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Do you know what it takes to make friends and keep them?

Friends are people you connect and spend your time with. They are people with whom you feel comfortable and choose to fully share yourself with. You choose these friends because you’re attracted to their energy, personality, and characteristics. You enjoy their company and have a mutually honest and respectful relationship. You trust your friends with your secrets, and share ideas, thoughts and feelings. You feel secure with them.

Powerful friendships allow you to give and receive. They allow you a place to express and share common interests, as well as create new ones. Being a good friend allows you to develop yourself, learn new skills and relate to others. It also allows you a place to test and develop your self esteem. The power received from healthy friendships helps meet your need for acceptance, and reminds you that you belong.

The company of good friends is a beautiful thing. However, for some people it can be very difficult to cultivate and maintain friendships. Recall when you were young, making friends was so very easy. You were constantly exposed to people your own age, with similar interests and life circumstances whose only responsibilities were generally only homework, hobbies and a few chores. The supply of friendship and time seemed endless and there was plenty of time for friendships to develop and blossom naturally.

As we enter adulthood, with the added responsibilities of paying bills, developing careers and looking for a prospective mate, many of our friends scatter in various directions. The supply of potential friends does not seem as endless as it once was. When you meet new people you’re compatible with, you have to schedule time to develop the relationship. According to many people, they just do not have enough time.

We are all allocated the same amount of time daily – 24 hours. Some people know make a good job of using it, while others squander it. It is up to you what you do with your time. Use it or lose it.

As with anything else, a commitment is necessary to developing friendships and learning how to make new friends. As a coach, I have had clients who tell me that they don’t have any friends and that they have a hard time making new ones. However, once they realize that they must be committed to making friends. When they align their time with this priority, they see their opportunities for friendship increase. Whatever they are working with—shyness, fear or insecurity—they have to get into the gap and create an action.

A few questions to answer when going into this friendship realm:

Trust is one of the issues that people who do not have friends are always concerned about. However, the lack of trust is internal. When people begin to trust themselves, trust in others is developed. Trust is given and received differently. Cultivating friendships takes risk and openness.

o On a scale of one to ten, how satisfied are you without friendships.
o What do you want in a friendship
o What do you believe that having friends would contribute to your life
o What actions do you take that allows you to meet and make new friends?
o What do you do that keeps people away?
o What do your friends say that you do that pollutes your friendship?
o Do you listen or ignore their concerns?
o If you were to transform and deepen your friendships what would that be?
o Who do you have to be to develop friendships?
o It is important to be open and approachable. What can you do to be more open and
approachable?
o Do you control and dominate your friendships?
o Do you allow your friends to be themselves without judgment?
o Do you kill off your friends and make them wrong when a mistake is made?
o Do you kill off your relationship because you friends change their minds about getting together?
o Do you value old relationships more that you do new ones? If so, why?
o Are you afraid to make friends?
o Are you willing to nurture and grow in these relationships?

When was the last time you shared with a friend what they mean to you, using words and not gifts?

Noreen Sumpter